VENT ALERT!
LIZARD PEOPLE ARE living in the HONORS FLOORS of KAHLERT VILLAGE.
We are in the midst of a COLD BLOODED WAR. THE VENTS ARE OCCUPIED.
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The Vents Are Occupied
I know what I heard. For WEEKS, something has been moving through the vents of Kahlert Village. OUR KAHLERT VILLAGE. Every night before I go to sleep, I know they’re there. Wet squelching. Groans and vibrations in the other rooms. Continuous cloacal clapping. I WON’T STAY SILENT FOREVER!! What they are hiding? Perchance. The housing bureaucracy calls it “the ventilation system,” which is not an explanation. The fed? No, too obvious. Masha'Allah there is only one interpretation, LIZARD PEOPLE!!!
Why the vents? Elementary. Location, climate control, easy access to US. But most importantly, no requirement to prove an income equal to three times the monthly rent. They did not choose the duct life. The housing market chose it for them.
Photographic EVIDENCE
EXHIBIT A: first sighting.
EXHIBIT B: eyeballs seen in the vents.
EXHIBIT C: trail left behind.
Anonymous Vent Testimony
— Kahlert resident, identity withheld FOR THEIR OWN SAFETY.
I have personally seen the lizards FOUR TIMES. There is a simple trick to get these amphibious creatures out of the vents; every one of my sightings occurred roughly forty-five minutes after I smoked da ‘shrooms. Skeptics will call this “hallucinating.” WRONG. The mushrooms make the lizards think I’m too high to notice them. That is when they stop pretending. That is when they hunt.
PH’NGLUI MGLW’NAFH
N’GRAI THOL VESHK. ILL’NA KORRATH SEV. ULM V’RASKA. ULM V’RASKA. THRAK EN SUL. MAKHRA VEL. SS’TAH. SS’TAH. SS’TAH.
- EVERY ROOM HAS A VENT: Nobody remembers agreeing to this, yet here they are.
- Where does the dryer lint go?: lmk if you figure ts out
- FACT: These lizards associate with libertarian groups
- Commute: They do not pay gas
The lizard people are waiting for prices to come down. This could take several geological eras.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q: Are there really lizard people in the vents?
A: Yes.
Q: Could the noises just be the ventilation system?
A: Do vents engage in continuous cloacal clapping? THINK, SHEEPLE!!!
Q: Have you actually seen one?
A: Have you ever seen carbon monoxide? Yet the university still installs detectors. Curious.
Q: Why hasn’t Housing done anything?
A: Housing claims the vents are “working as intended.” INTENDED BY WHOM?
Q: Have you reported this to your RA?
A: The RAs are compromised.
Q: What should I do if I hear something?
A: Record the time, take pictures, and do NOT, under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, talk back. They interpret it as consent.
Q: Is this website satire?
A: What are you, my RA?
You are skeptic number
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